On Whether a Fresh Start Exists

I have wanted to do the blog thing (again) for quite some time now. My delay had something to do, perhaps, with remembering the last one (xanga) and how very silly it all seemed. But that's a lie; I really liked posting blatherings about my life to not necessarily anyone. It's a small thrill, to send out soul-words to apparently no one. But, maybe someone.

In a bit less than a week I'll be braving whatever weather Maryland has in store for me (cold, rain, wind, sunshine, all possible) to begin what I feel is Round 4 of college. The fourth time I have taken my slow life of home to that place where I can feel the line pulling me up but no, my natural instinct is to resist, pull back. I am miserable without purpose but still lack the drive to take one on, i.e. "higher" education.

Somehow every time I'm on holiday from school I feel the need to justify (to myself) in personal journal entries just why I persist in lazying about the house and accomplishing next to nothing. Not really making dates with friends much, hardly making a dent in my List of Books to Read, opening files of my personal writing and closing them again without adding new material. There's no reason I shouldn't be actively pursuing all of these things - their only enemy most of the time is School, and take that out of the equation, voilà, right?

Ugh.

So I'll sit and tell myself (honestly, who else is listening) that maybe once I do something extraordinary, or something extraordinary happens to me, maybe then life will start and the constant "get on with it" will reach some part of my brain. Hoping it's a productive part.

The only time I feel right these days is losing myself in books or songs... other people's products of genius. It feels good at first, but then self-reflection chastises me for not aiming higher than this stuff, that which gets me going. I want to get Them going, and You too.

The elusive How...

Maybe this time. All the other beginnings weren't right, and this is the One. For sure. Yes. Maybe.

>>Music recs: Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More; The Replacements, Tim