Low, low, hellow

Have you ever felt so emotionless that you wonder if you would feel anything after murdering someone? Not actually considered following through, but just having that thought. What is it going to take, to wake me up? I haven't cried in months, not even teared up a little bit. I feel like I don't genuinely care about anything.

Now I know why they tell freshmen to "get involved" - so this doesn't happen. So that you don't fall into a hole where you don't feel anything, the world is up up up above you and there is no sound. There is no sound. And you want connection but simply don't have the energy to make it happen. Depression? Who knows. I get out of bed everyday, if somewhat on the edge of being late. But I still go. Go to class, go eat. Sleep. Class, eat, sleep, repeat.

Where is the passion? Where is the awe and intrigue and jubilation? Tell me where, and I will be indebted forever. Or at least a long time. Maybe.

>> A Larum, Johnny Flynn

I need to try harder.

Seriously.



tooons>> A Rush of Blood to the Head (Coldplay) and Lungs (Florence + the Machine)

Unreal, surreal, even fur'real, whatever. Will not accept without suffixes.

Drinking some Orange-Strawberry-Banana juice. So hsbdgaiurghkjsdt-ing good.

I'm waiting. I feel like I am always waiting. Is my life going to kick-start itself? Am I going to have the sudden revelation that I know exactly what I want to do with my next twenty years? The first twenty were just so fleeting, so simple and structured. I knew what I was doing year to year: School. When that stops...

And I don't want to be one of those perpetual students. Ugh. If this is what is in store for the rest of my time here. No.

But what! I can't just close my eyes and point at what I want, arbitrarily. Am I a fool for wanting more ready-made options? Most of the "adults" I know didn't decide on their current employment when they were twenty, why should I? Then again, should I model my own actions on theirs, if their unpreparedness at my age led them to a mediocre occupation? What to do, what to do.

Can't I just be a kid, like, forever? It's my favorite. That's what I want to be... when I grow up.

See, this is why I can't let go of that dream, maybe the only dream I've ever had. I have that one thing I know I'd like to do. But if I can't get it going now, when I'm young and supposedly without "adult" responsibilities (and adult sensibilities[=oxymoron]), who's to say I can get it going with contracts, deadlines, criticisms? Hell, that's all beyond the first elimination round. And what are the chances I'll make it past that. (No "?" because I don't need a reality check right now, just the ability to pour out my stagnant soul into this internet-box and ask rhetorical questions of blog-ghostland.)

As a wise young eight year old once asked: "Is this real life?"


Sound bites to inspire>>> Scratch My Back (Peter Gabriel) and Songs (Regina Spektor)